when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
