Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
