So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
