kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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