I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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