dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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