Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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