are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
