I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
