evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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