remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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