but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
