Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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