I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
