apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
