let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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