He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
that may or may not have been my penis.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
