I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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