just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think my moral compass just broke
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
