New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
