just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
