Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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