my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
