I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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