nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pooping to opera.
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