The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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