My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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