I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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