omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
