It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's blow job season.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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