There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
