So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
