You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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