He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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