I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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