Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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