he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
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im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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