Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Randomize
