i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
