as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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