My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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