after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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