no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
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do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is Oprah even human
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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