When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
