Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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