I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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