You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
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But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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