I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
