She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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