shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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