The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
