at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
