Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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