Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
