my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
